Relationships and "the New Infidelity"

Dating back to biblical times, infidelity has been a threat to committed relationships and is certainly one of the issues that bring couples into therapy. Today, infidelity does not have to involve a sexual indescretion to destroy the very nature of trust that holds two people together. "The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love." According to Dr. Shirley Glass, a psychologist and renowned expert on infidelity, "infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust."

Of course, Dr. Glass is describing what we have come to know as an emotional affair, an affair that excludes sexual intimacy but involves primarily emotional intimacy. In reality, to call this a new form of infidelity is a bit of a misnomer. Evidence of these types of emotionally charged relationships date back in history as well, but it seems safe to say that the frequency with which people are having emotional affairs is certainly on the rise. Dr. Glass identified this trend in her 2003 book, Not Just Friends, citing her data which suggested that approximately 60% of the men and women she had counseled had been involved in an emotionally unfaithful relationship. Furthermore, 82% of sexually unfaithful partners had had an affair with someone who was at first "just a friend."

David Moultrup (1990), author of Husbands, Wives, and Lovers, has broadly defined an extramarital affair as "a relationship between a person and someone other than (the person's) spouse or lover that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance, and overall dynamic balance in the marriage-the role of the affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage." By this definition, sexual involvement is neither a necessary ingredient in defining the presence of an affair, nor in understanding its impact on the committed relationship. Of course, for the emotionally unfaithful partner, citing the absence of sexual activity may be a way to neutralize the sense of extramarital wrongdoing. "But we didn't have sex" is somehow supposed to make the betrayal of an emotional affair less painful. In fact, because infidelity means different things to different people, those involved in an emotional affair might not even consider their behavior as inappropriate or hurtful. Men in particular often seem to hold this view, but for women who stereotypically put more emphasis on emotional rather than sexual intimacy, an emotional affair may prove to be even more destructive to a relationship than a one night stand or casual sexual encounter.

It's important also to remember that most people who become involved in an emotional affair were not intending to be unfaithful, were not looking to have an affair, and in many cases did not think they were vulnerable to such behavior. Sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings in an ongoing interaction with someone will typically generate a feeling of closeness that then stimulates even more disclosure and more intimacy. Eventually this type of relationship can become extremely close causing an emotional attachment to develop thereby potentially causing serious damage to a marriage or committed relationship, regardless of whether or not the affair ever becomes sexual in nature.

It's important also to remember that most people who become involved in an emotional affair were not intending to be unfaithful, were not looking to have an affair, and in many cases did not think they were vulnerable to such behavior. Sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings in an ongoing interaction with someone will typically generate a feeling of closeness that then stimulates even more disclosure and more intimacy. Eventually this type of relationship can become extremely close causing an emotional attachment to develop thereby potentially causing serious damage to a marriage or committed relationship, regardless of whether or not the affair ever becomes sexual in nature.

Signs that a close friendship may really be an emotional affair include: Inappropriate emotional intimacy: Are you sharing more with your friend than you are with your partner? Do you think your friend understands you better than your partner? Do you look forward to being with your friend more than your partner? Sexual and emotional chemistry: Are you sexually attracted to your friend? Is it more exciting to be with your friend than your partner? Deception and secrecy: Does your partner know about your friendship or is it a secret? Are you saying and doing things with your friend that you wouldn't do with you partner present? Denial and minimization: Is the phrase "we're just friends" your way of rationalizing your close friendship?

In general, infidelity happens for a variety of reasons, but emotional affairs seem to be on the rise because of increased opportunities, both in the workplace and online. What may start out innocently enough, may quickly spiral out of control, and result in a relationship that is inappropriate in terms of the emotional intimacy involved. Individuals involved in these types of relationships may experience the same biochemical rush that occurs when two people fall in love, creating a "high that becomes almost addictive" according to Dr. Frank Pittman (1990), psychiatrist and author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy. This makes the developing pattern of inappropriate intimacy all the harder to break.

Over the past few years, I have seen more and more couples who are struggling with trust issues and a sense of betrayal that has come from one of the partners having had an emotional affair. In many of these cases, the lack of sexual involvement has not mitigated the negative effects of the affair, and the deception involved was clearly destructive to trust and the relationship in general. Of course, friendships are important and can provide us things that we sometimes cannot find in our relationships, but allowing them to fulfill important needs at the expense of your partner and your relationship can certainly be destructive and is a sure sign of an emotional affair.

John S. Schell, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist